Monday, December 23, 2013

Confession: I Have a Penchant for Bisexual Men

Confession: I have a penchant for bisexual men. Now, I don't mean I'm attracted to flamboyant, effeminate types, because I'm not. And I don't mean I consciously seek these men out. In fact, if you asked me three+ years ago how I'd react to learn that my man was attracted to other men, I'd likely say "completely turned off"--might've been a deal breaker. But this serial monogamist has (after already fallen for--let's just say, statistically speaking, an inordinate number of bi/bi-curious men) come to the realization that there is something specific & inherently different in the men that I'm drawn to. I am definitely a personality girl. I've always known this, but it became especially evident after a candid heart to heart with a dear friend of mine, Camille. She's been privy to the many details of my personal relationships during my last--ohhhh 7 years or so, of my Latina "Sex & the City" single life. She has experienced the shock & awe, more than once, more than twice, of hearing me say, "he's bi."

Before the conversation I'm about to relay to you, I'd (perhaps naively) been under the impression that the number of bisexual men in the world was grossly underestimated. It wasn't until filling Camille in on my new boyfriend details, that her joltingly honest statement (tactfully posed as a question): "Are you sure he's not gay?! I mean, with your track record, you should really find that out on like the 1st or 2nd date," brought me to the realization that it was me. There was something these bisexual men shared in common that drew me to them, & perhaps, them to me. 

Truth is, said ex boyfriend is in fact bi, or I should say bi-curious, as he's never acted on his attractions. I hadn't told her that yet. I wanted to tell her about how wonderful he was, before having her judge or dismiss the totality of his character, because of a label much of society has deemed abnormal, perverse. Camille has never made me feel uneasy about sharing anything, but while beside her, I drifted inwardly, newly conscious of the realization that my attraction to these men was not coincidental--there was a commonality they shared that appealed to me. All I remember of that evening was pondering what that commonality might be.

As is often the case during moments of heavy contemplation, the "cosmic forces," as Erica Jong describes1 , spoke to me, the very next day. In an effort to enhance my own voice as a writer, I picked up an old favorite, a voice as direct & honest as my own, Virginia Woolf's A ROOM OF ONE'S OWN. And there while skimming the underlinings, asterisks &  notes I penned throughout the margins, I came across Woolf's thoughts regarding our suppressed yearning for unity of the mind, of the male & female psyche:

"Perhaps to think [...] of one sex as distinct from the other is an effort. It interferes with the unity of the mind. [...] Coleridge perhaps meant this when he said that a great mind is androgynous. It is when the fusion takes place that the mind is fully fertilized and uses all its faculties. Perhaps a mind that is purely masculine cannot create, any more than a mind that is purely feminine, I thought. [...] the androgynous mind is resonant and porous; that it transmits emotion without impediment; that it is naturally incandescent & undivided [...] one goes back to Shakespeare's mind as the type of man-womanly mind..."

Obviously, I'd read A ROOM OF ONE'S OWN before, but had not considered it within the context of how such a fusion of the masculine & feminine mind, would affect sexuality, identity & the individual as a whole. What many have for so long deemed as perverse or abnormal, I began to view as a more fully developed & integrated mind.

I found that the senses of each of these men seemed heightened--almost bionic. They were all detail oriented, which enabled them to excel in the workplace, and almost anything they took a serious interest in. They could walk into a room, and instantly, notice every detail of everything & everyone in it. Touch was also important. I noticed early on that a recent ex never purchased a shirt or sweater that wasn't uber soft to the touch--made a mental note of it for future gifts. Superior communication skills too, have always been at the top of my "Ideal Man" list. I've always been expressive (perhaps more so on paper, than in person) & appreciate the same in others; the ability for others to express vulnerabilities and hard truths has always made me feel at ease and in the presence of a kindred spirit. In retrospect, it's perhaps in part, the ability for these men to communicate as expressively as I do on paper, in person, that drew me to them.

Though as I write these words, I must add that unfortunately, none were in a place of peace & acceptance with their sexuality. They were not open about it--never admitted to it (with the exception of one--& only to me), and were, for the most part, in denial & experienced a great deal of inner turmoil because of it. That turmoil, in more than one instance, resulted in the demise of the relationship.

There is still much shame within society  regarding bisexuality--perhaps even more so than for gays and lesbians (many of whom, in spite of their own experiences with erroneous generalizations, consider bi men to be in the early, experimental stages--testing the waters sort of speak before becoming fully gay, while bi women are thought to be "going through a phase").

Impositions of who and how we should be create an incessant state of repression within us. I can relate. We can, I'm sure, if we think long and hard, all relate. Constantly teased for being a Tomboy, I grew up wishing I were a boy. I wanted to wear ties and suspenders because I thought they looked cool, but never did--I couldn't even fathom it as an option (though now, I can & will rock 'em well). My first two wheeler was an electric blue & yellow BMX. I wanted to make pop o' wheelies and skid marks on the street with it,  (& I did)--but the salesman tried showing me pink & purple, banana boat seat bikes--didn't understand why I didn't like any of the "girl" bikes. In response to the salesman's perplexed expression, father diagnosed me as a "Tomboy," which my 7 year old brain translated to mean an aberration of my gender. By 12, I learned that if I wanted my crush to notice me, I had to dress the part, tame my hair, be less aggressive. A box of father's, not well hidden PlayBoy's, taught me what beautiful was. And so began the process: socialization, repression, conformity.  

Both Adrienne Rich and Gloria Steinem write about "the split fragments of the psyche, the masculine and feminine elements ripped apart and longing for reunion." Steinem explains, "the more patriarchal and gender-polarized a culture is, the more addicted to romance. These myths embody our yearning to be whole" (Revolution From Within, 255).

And so my question regarding my attraction to these men became clear: while I was more in touch with my masculine psyche, the men I was attracted to were more in touch with their feminine psyche. And without fully understanding ourselves, we understood each other, because as Steinem explains "We [were] making love to the rest of ourselves" (Revolution From Within, 256).

Those words hit home. In that moment, I understood. I recall, during one of our many fun, silly moments, telling my ex, "In your past life, you were a female stripper." His reply-without pause was "And you were a man!" We laughed, while inwardly I knew, we were both acknowledging certain truths--to ourselves, & one another. It was liberating--sharing truths, never disclosed (until now) to anyone. It deepened our love. There were no masks. And we loved purely--while it lasted.

But love, when one is not wholly accepting of one's self is never an easy thing. Constant repression, denial & inner conflict will always surface, in some form; hence, my singledom. 

However, a life of constant repression also creates the strong, rational, self-disciplined mind I've always been enamored by (likely because those traits represented the missing yin to my yan--the polar opposite of my sentimental, bohemian spirited, ever changing self).

Now, I don't want everyone presuming that I've dated exclusively bisexual men, or that these realizations have made me inclined to now consciously choose bisexual men. I have, of course dated heterosexual men. However, I find that most of the men I've been involved with have been more in touch with & embraced the "feminine" parts of themselves, & appreciated my more assertive, "masculine" traits. 

As of right now, I need all the sexy men out there (hetero, bi, whatever!) to lead me not into temptation: I am focusing on a monogamous love affair with myself--one where, to quote an anonymous feminist, I "become the man I want to marry."

1 1 "Books go out into the world, travel mysteriously from hand to hand, & somehow find their way to people who need them at the time when they need them...cosmic forces guide such passings along." --Erica Jong